Bertie Bassett - The Formative Years

Bertie’s parents had always known that he was a talented child. Quadratic equations, calculus and Junior Mastermind at age 2, multilingual at 3 and astrophysics at 4 were just a few indications. Why, he could even program video recorders without swearing!
They were also the only living beings who knew exactly why their son was such a prodigy…………until now, that is. Here, at last, is the true story of Bertie.

Bertie Bassett – The Formative Years

Many light years away, on the planet of Mah-Lon, a fearsome meteorite was speeding through the atmosphere, only a few days away from a cataclysmic collision.

The tall, aristocratic man stood there and gazed at his young son, gurgling merrily in his bed. He turned to his wife: “Our planet is doomed but somehow we have to save our son. There must be a way!” Suddenly, the man exclaimed “I know, I shall build a rocket and send him to another world – a safe world where he can live a normal life and carry on the traditions of our fine culture. We will sacrifice our present for the future of mankind and our child”

Sometime later, the rocket was ready. It stood there, a shining monument to the sophistication of the Mah-Lon civilisation, awaiting its precious cargo. Soon it would be too late for any launch as the skies darkened under the approaching rocky mass hurtling towards the planet. “We must hurry,“ said the man “fetch the child.” Unaware of his imminent journey, the child looked up at his parents: his eyes seeming to say “I trust you and will make you proud of me.”

Final preparations were being completed. The babe was clothed in the royal colour of lime-green as befits an emissary from another planet and the rocket navigation system of the spaceship Millennium Allsort was programmed to point towards a small planet which, according to data, contained the relevant conditions for existence.

As the rocket sped into the stratosphere, the sky behind it was lit by the brilliance of a thousand suns as the planet Mah-Lon disintegrated into small particles. A civilisation lost – apart from one small representative. What fate awaited him? What part could he play in the new world of his future?

The child was discovered by a kindly couple by the name of Norris and Doris Bassett who had made a great fortune after taking the plunge into the trifle business. They took one look at his sweet cherubic face and immediately decided that he would be brought up as their own and he was soon comfortably ensconced within the West Wing of Bassett Towers. They spared him nothing: gymnasium, swimming pool, everything he could possibly want and were always bringing interesting guests in to entertain him as well as great scholars to educate and refine his burgeoning intellect.

Anyway, one night after a particularly strong curry, young Bertie discovered his remarkable powers of flight and it was then that his adoptive parents told him of his origins.

“You must use your gifts wisely, my soaraway son.” said Norris, “Tomorrow you will begin training for your lifelong role as saviour of the Earth. You will learn martial art.”

“But I don’t want to draw pictures of Wyatt Earp” wailed Bertie as his father snatched the cigars away from his adoptive sister Bunty.

Mrs Bassett decided that she would design her son a uniform to go with his embryonic superhero status and spent many hours poring over the Primark catalogue for inspiration. Bertie however, was insistent that lime-green (the royal colour of his home planet, Mah-Lon) would predominate. All the great couturiers of the world were called in and finally the task was completed.

One little problem that Norris and Doris had in particular was potty training: they enlisted the help of the nice lady from WhoGivesaSh*t Inc. who apparently was an expert at such matters. Although predominantly retired from the business she still liked to keep her hand in. Finally after many attempts (and several cartons of carpet cleaner) she was finally able to pronounce that the only bulges in the Speedos would be intentional ones and was finally paid off by the Bassetts.

Bertie and his sister were very close. They would play rough games together and Bunty was as much of a tomboy as Bertie was a burgeoning male adolescent. Puberty was a particularly difficult time as the thoughts of having to shave came to the fore but, in the end, Bunty decided not to bother.

She was a natural listener and it soon became apparent that she would take a professional interest in other people’s problems. Indeed, there were many times at boarding school when she was intercepting and reading other’s mail before they had actually seen it: a talent which has been put to good use in later life.

As time went by, Bertie became a familiar figure as he swooped through the skies, heading off to avert yet another crisis. Not for him, the high life of celebrity parties: he was content knowing that he was carrying on the noble traditions of his birth planet and the memories of his real parents. Obviously, as a cult figure, he had his moments when the adulation impeded his everyday tasks but Bunty was always there, the sensible tweed suit interposing itself between him and the crowds. The ample bosom thrusting through the masses, like a battleship carving its way through a heavy sea, as she cleared his path.

Bertie had now become the Superhero known and loved by all apart from those who chose a life of crime or evil. For them, he was a scourge to be feared and they tried many ways to bring about his downfall. In their heart of hearts, they realised that good would triumph eventually although they tried many times to destroy SuperBertie, using some extremely strange and horrific means…….but that’s another story.

In the meantime, we leave our hero working tirelessly, Norris and Doris, secure in Bassett Towers, enjoying their dotage and Bunty gazing admiringly at a photo of the Bulgarian Women’s Synchronised Swimming team. All is well with the world, but for how long?