I spend a lot of my time sorting my life into boxes. Fears,
doubts, desires, memories, triumphs, hopes and aspirations all get tucked away
in my head so I don't have to face them. It makes for an insular life in many
ways but it also means I cope.
Emotions are something I long for and fear in equal
proportions. The freedom to let go is something I cannot do - I dare not do -
and Christmas is a time when I find it hard to subdue emotion. I guess I'm
old-fashioned enough to still love the traditional Christmas of my childhood
with carols and the story of the Nativity guaranteed to bring those dreaded
emotions to the surface. Silent Night will invariably reduce me to tears and,
along with the emotion caused by such memories, is a sense of something lost.
Not lost as in no longer here but lost as in missing from my life. It's not a
new feeling and has been there for many years but Christmas brings it to the
fore, once more.
Maybe Christmas encourages a sense of belonging and that's
something from which I shy away? Belonging means being accepted and being
accepted means belonging - something of
which I don't feel worthy. That's not something which needs sympathy or
reassurance so please don't offer it - it's part of me, for better or for worse
and I absorb it and adapt accordingly. It'll never beat me either because there
will always be that spark which says "never give up".
This Christmas is tinged with an awful sadness which must
remain private but makes it that little
bit harder to keep the boxes locked. Equally, this year I have found even more
people for whom I care and who care for me. To them, and all of you who have
supported me in my photography and in my life, may I wish you a most wonderful
Christmas and a year ahead full of peace and love, where your dreams become realities
and your fears become the dust of history.
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