It's me again!

Not one of my better days. Hoping I'd get clearance from a health problem that's cropped up but I've got to go back again for another test which is a real pain. Well, not literally because it's just a scan but it's all the not knowing. I seem to have had a time of it recently what with kidney problem,  liver problem, overactive thyroid back again and now this one. 

Anyway, a slight (but inexcusable) feeling of self-pity gave me a chance to revisit some of my old private writings when I was suffering badly after  I was told I was basically burned-out. Scary stuff indeed but incredibly powerful to re-read once more and undoubtedly the best work I've ever done. I've previously documented that period in my life but, traumatic as it was, I felt so alive. All my senses were heightened and it was as if this dam had burst and a million thoughts, buried for so long, came spewing out of my head. It's hard to write now. Perhaps my photography has fulfilled that side of me or perhaps, once more, I need to experience some cataclysmic emotional episode to break through the repressions and barriers I build in my head? I guess the fact I am actually writing once more - something which once was a daily part of my life - is indicative of some upheaval or confusion but hopefully this will be a peaceful manifestation and not a precursor to my own version of Vesuvius.

I have changed since those days some 12 years ago. It's been a hard journey but I now accept my own worth and my own ability although hearing praise from others is still a very uncomfortable feeling at times. I have also accepted that there is life still out there for the taking and that I am answerable to nobody but myself. If someone or something upsets me, displeases me, bores me or has a negative impact on my life then I can walk away and that's an immensely liberating feeling. I am beholden to nobody apart from a very few friends and family. My old self was bound by duty and putting everybody else first - either because of the way I was brought up or because I just wanted to be liked. Actually, that's not quite true. Far more important than being liked was not being disliked! Hmmm, interesting point.

Oh dear, is this introspection a good thing? Cathartic? Catastrophic? Only time will tell. Will I regret publishing it? Nah, nobody made you read it but something made me write it so it's as simple as that.

I'll leave you with something I wrote back in those days.  Although published before, I still like to read it now and again. It's called "Untitled":

We come from nothing, through love or lust.
A brief respite here, then on to dust.
That moment in time when we’re given life
To use, or to lose on the point of a knife.
We’re nurtured from birth, ideas formed, thoughts created.
Allowed to mature, learning passion and hatred.
The Rights of Man, the freedom of choice
Mountains to climb, opinions to voice.
But how does it feel when you know it’s a lie?
From that battle of birth you’ve started to die?
The meaning is empty and nothing is sure
Your constant companion’s to feel insecure.
You scream out for comfort, for someone to hold,
But know in your heart (which ever grows cold)
That love will not find you,

All you do is grow old.

The Ring of Confidence

Confidence is a strange companion. With it, we can conquer the world yet, without it, the world conquers us. Take a tennis player for example: 2 sets up and cruising and then a silly mistake or a great shot from your opponent causes that little confidence worm to start burrowing into your skull and the thoughts change from I can't possible lose this to What if ......? Next thing you know, you're no longer fighting your opponent but battling with your own mind.

People often laugh when I admit to an excruciating lack of confidence in my own abilities. Good old Graham, always playing the fool and putting on this bumbling idiot act ....... erm, no, that is me.Yes, I'm extremely good at hiding it sometimes (which is a problem in itself) but I confess, confidence and myself are strange bedfellows who will sometimes engage in a joyous coupling but predominantly sleep back to back. I've really got no reason to be like it apart from Nature and nurture (mostly nurture!) and am fortunate to have had more than my fair share of success in my lifetime but it's not something I've ever accepted or been happy with and I've always needed to drive myself further. The irony of continuously striving for better is that I know I can never reach a point where I am happy with what I have achieved and therefore this undermines the confidence which has started to be built by those successes.

The reason I started thinking about all this was my photography. For a long time, I found it very hard to accept the plaudits of my friends and photographic peers but then one day, for reasons unknown, I experienced a true Road to Damascus moment. I was thinking about my Camera Club and the things I wanted to achieve there and realised that I had basically done them all in the 3 years I've been going i.e. move from Beginners to Advanced league, win an individual competition and receive a wider recognition of my skills. It was at that point that I suddenly knew that none of this really mattered. What DID matter was an acceptance in oneself of being where one wanted to be. I didn't care that I would never be the best, judgement by others meant nothing. All I knew that, possibly for the first time in my life, I was actually content with what I was doing and the standard I was at. It was an incredibly liberating feeling. I was doing something my way and I no longer had to judge myself nor worry about being judged.

It lasted about 3 weeks.

Confidence is about self-fulfilling prophecy and that can go two ways. For me, I've been looking at some beautiful photos taken by fellow photographers here in Eastbourne as well as photographer friends around the world and, like dirty bath water, that contentment I had slowly drained away. This was the tennis player's game-changing moment as I looked at my photos and irrevocably saw them turning from satisfying extensions of me and my way of interpreting Life to very ordinary snaps, devoid of feeling and clarity.

Oh, I know that this is a passing phase and to a degree, part of my own condition but, just for a short period of time, I felt contentment. I only hope that somehow I can recover it. There's a Chinese saying that goes something like It is better not to eat of the greatest dish at all than to eat it once and never again. To know the reality of contentment for a while and have it snatched away rather than merely dream of what it may be like is not something I relish.

Finally, why am I writing this and laying myself open?

“To share your weakness is to make yourself vulnerable; to make yourself vulnerable is to show your strength.” - Criss Jami

Alternatively, of course, I might just be being self-indulgent .......... or self-pitying ............ or just plain weird.