Check This Out!

For someone who aspires to be a writer, perhaps I've been a little tardy in making a new entry. So why have I suddenly become inspired? I suppose I could ramble on about thoughts are something that need to come out when they are ready but the truth is a) I'm lazy and b) I forgot my password.

>The reason I am goaded into action is the near-death experience that occurred at the Sainsbury checkout queue this evening. A time when it appeared the whole population of the South East decided to shop at my little superstore.

Why, oh why, did I buy 12 items? I couldn't face the reproachful stares and mutterings as I stood at the "10 items only" tills so I decided to be fair. I did the usual scan of the other checkouts to see which had the longest queues, biggest trolleys and cashiers who looked dexterously intelligent and were not busy chatting to their mates and finally made a beeline for checkout 11.

There was one person in front of me which was the good news although the conveyor belt had more on it than the Generation Game at Christmas. Of course, the moment I arrive, the Great Checkout God starts giggling and the very first thing to be plucked from this mountain of shopping is a DVD. Pause whilst spotty youth is holding up his hand for 5 minutes waiting for the harassed supervisor (or Captain, as they are known) to come and wrestle with the locked plastic box holding an empty DVD case. Who is going to nick an empty case, for crying out loud?

Of course, Checkout Charlie isn't going to carry on scanning whilst she goes and forages for a copy of Thundercats (presumably to shut up one of the several whingeing, snotty little brats clustered around the customer). He just sits there and idly sneers at my few small purchases which I am desperately trying to cram on the miniscule space available. Finally, she comes back and suddenly the air is filled with beeps as the 28 bumper packs of crisps get passed through the scanner.

When I tried to select the right queue to join, I was really careful to go for one where there was a couple doing the shopping - double speed packing, see? He, however, resolutely stood there gazing into space and occasionally bellowing at the bratlets whilst she struggled with packing 253 carrier bags and gradually disappearing under a morass of assorted purchases.

The last items were a couple of boxed metal cars and bratlet #1 insisted on checking they were still there by elbowing his way through and standing on my feet
so he could gaze at them. I politely asked him if he would like to wear them: but very quietly as his Mother was bigger than me.

We then had the reduced items! Of course, they didn't scan properly and Checkout Charlie tried all the usual tricks, manual input, gazing at the ceiling for inspiration, etc. I suggested human sacrifice might help, gazing pointedly at the bratlets but this was met with stony indifference as he tried the scanner once more. Success!

Finally we got to that wonderful moment when the final total was calculated. "Allelujah" thought I. "I might make it out of here before my Onken chocolate & hazelnut mousse reaches it's sell-by date". Nope, she suddenly found various coupons in her purse and it took some time before he had the microscope set up to read the small print on them.

When it was finally my turn, he looked blankly at me after I turned down his sincere request to help me pack but enquired if he happened to have a defibrillator handy? I congatulated him on the loving way he crushed my breadsticks and dextrously double-somersaulted my Sainsbury "I Can't Believe it's Chicken Kurma" Chicken Kurma into the pile of empty DVD security cases and even managed to grimace nicely at his request for my Connect card. The final straw was when he turned to me and graciously presented me with a twinpack of loo rolls to thank me for my continued custom!

At last, I was free! Mrs Bassett had cunningly wandered off to the kiosk at the start of all this and was busy attracting cobwebs as she waited for my eventual exit. She and several others had had a fun time fomenting revolt as cigarettes are apperently exempt from the free loo rolls offer and there were mutters of "yet more discrimination to smokers" as I led her back to the car park.

If you ever read this, Lord Sainsbury, a curse on you and your company. May your baps grow stale and your BOGOFs bog off.