No Sh*te & the Several Dwarves

To anybody that stumbles across this and doesn’t watch Big Brother, it does make sense – honest!

Cast List:
Carole - No Sh*te
Brian – Dopey
Laura – Sleepy
Nicky – Sulky
Liam – Horny
Tracey – Gravy
Chanelle – Whingey
Charley – Stroppy
Ziggy – Sleazy
Amanda – Tweedledumb
Sam – Tweedledumber
Gerry – The Fairy Godfather
Pauline – Sleeping Beauty

Once upon a time, in a faraway land called Endemol there was a House. Not just an ordinary house, not even a gingerbread house, but a magical House made of grass (Be patient, you’ll find out why later). And in that House lived a strange wild woman who went by the name of No Sh*te. She lived in the kitchen, cooking and cleaning and running a correspondence course for her pupil, Cinderella, trying to coach her in her Skivvying degree. Unknown to anyone else, she was also custodian of Cinderella’s pumpkins, a secret which she kept close to her chest.

Some naughty little dwarves also lived in the House and she spent many hours trying to make them behave because they were always getting up to tricks. At this moment, she was cross with Gravy: “Yes, I know it’s a House made of grass but will you PLEASE stop trying to smoke it!” she said patiently.

Now, like all good stories there was a villain. His name was Big Brother and he spent his time trying to bend them to his will. He had a special place where he made them come and talk to him, called the Fiery Room, where a special throne was installed for them to sit on and he would make them do strange tasks and ask them to tell tales about each other.

The dwarves hated Big Brother and as they marched around they would sing their special song:

Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho
We really hate Big Bro.
Sweet F.A. to do,
Where’s a task or two?
Heigh Ho, Heigh Ho

Stroppy stood in front of one of the many Magic Mirrors in the House. “Mirror, Mirror on the wall, who’s the fairest of them all?” The Mirror replied “I know you think you’re quite a wow, but it ain’t you, you mouthy cow.” Dopey pushed her out of the way as he tried his luck with one of the other Magic Mirrors. “Mirror, mirror on the door, please let my schlong touch the floor”. He looked aghast as his legs dropped off!

In the kitchen, there was an outcry. “Someone’s been eating my crisps” said one of the big dwarves. “Someone’s been eating my crisps” said a medium dwarf. “Someone’s been eating my crisps” said a little dwarf. They all turned round and looked at Sulky, sitting trying to look innocent, amongst a large pile of empty crisp packets. “No need to think it was me” she said petulantly “I had a meal 10 minutes ago so I’m not even that hungry at the moment.”

There was a sudden flash as the Fairy Godfather appeared in a cloud of hair clippings. “Where’s Sleepy?” he asked, looking around in astonishment. Whingey looked up from the flower from which she was pulling the petals and saying “He loves me, he loves me not, he loves me...oh who cares anyway. I really hate him” and explained, in a gleeful tone, that Sleepy had been sent to the land of Oz, flown on a magic dressing gown (which could actually have walked should it so desire).

“Anyway, why am I Whingey when I wannabee Wannabee?” she whinged. Getting no reply, she stomped off to bed. Horny was there having a Widow Twankey . “Ey oop, bonny lass, Fancy gan foor a tab?” Whingey looked at him in amazement. “ You know I hate cigarettes, I’d rather eat a……..” she searched her tiny little mind for some awful comparison………..” a carrot!”

Sleazy was in the garden playing with Tweedledumb and Tweedledumber. Oh how they screamed as he picked them up and carried them over to the pool, his hands “accidentally” reaching (how can I put this politely?) the parts other beers cannot reach. Pausing to flick back his blonde locks, he put them down and wondered why they were still screaming? He wandered in and went to the freezer for a Cornetto . Returning to the garden, he remembered his manners and turned to the twins. “Ice cream?” he asked politely. “So do we” they replied “loads and loads” and then ran off to bounce on the beds.

One day, there was a surprise in the House. From the Fiery Room emerged Sleeping Beauty and all the dwarves danced around excitedly whilst No Sh*te hurriedly recalculated the portion control projections. What they didn’t know was that she was actually from the Land of Oz on a spying mission for Big Brother.

She had brought all sorts of goodies into the House and Stroppy’s face was a picture as she thought she would have to eat armoured dildo. No Sh*te was able to tell the dwarves about the magical land of Oz and such delights as tim tams and..er……tim tams and she spoke authoritatively about her friend, Ma Supial, who had made her fortune there. “She’s not the only one who’s cleaning up” said No Sh*te. “Look at the state of this place. Filthy, dirty, full of noisy children and who’s going to clear up all this hair?” The Fairy Godfather looked at her, embarrassed, as she stomped off to check the state of the art Towel Security System she had recently installed.

Horny gazed longingly at Sleeping Beauty as she spoke of the wondrous delights of the Land of Oz. She obviously fancied him too as she idly asked him about his billabong. Later that night, she drifted off to sleep and he stole over to wake her with a kiss. As he bent over, his lips brushed hers and he suddenly recoiled in horror! “Wayay, man, you stink of crocodile semen paste” he cried and ran into the garden where he sat with Dopey and discussed witches. “Wicked” said Dopey. “Talking of wicked witches,” said Horny "whatever happened to Emily?" Dopey replied that she had been banished to Never Never(to be heard of again) land.

The dwarves were bored. “Why can’t we do something exciting?” whinged Sulky. “Well, if this is story land, I could do with Aladdin.” said the Fairy Godfather hopefully“. I know,” said Sleazy “let’s go and nick Big Brother’s throne and hide it somewhere.” Stroppy looked at him. “Oh you always have to be the centre of attention.” she snarled as she peeled off her clothes and started drawing pictures of Humpty Dumpty on her naked body. “That looks nothing like Sulky...........hmm, I dunno though.” sneered Whingey and burst into tears. Nobody took any notice assuming it was that time of the day once more.

They decided to go along with Sleazy’s plan and sneaked quietly into the Fiery Room (obviously leaving the twins behind). They took the throne and were looking around for a place to hide it when the voice boomed out:

“THIS IS BIG BROTHER. I AM DISPLEASED WITH YOU AND YOU WILL BE PUNISHED FOR WHAT YOU HAVE TRIED TO DO”

The dwarves were petrified and ran away and hid. When they finally emerged, they realised the extent of their punishment. A pair of figures stood before them, evil emanating from every pore. The younger one pursed her rather overlarge lips and uttered the chilling words………..
“’Ello, my name’s Jade and this is my Mum”

Well, boys and girls, that’s the end of the story. Nobody lived happily ever after but, like all good children’s stories there IS a moral: People who live in grass Houses shouldn’t stow thrones.

Night night, children. Sleep tight.