Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 5

The Famous Five were in a bit of a pickle; surrounded by villains, trapped underground and with no hope of escape.

'Oh Julian, things just couldn't get any worse' whispered Anne.

Oh, yes they could' responded Julian glumly, 'we've run out of food as well.'

They were quickly bound and tossed in a small room; evoking memories of earlier visits to Uncle Quentin's study for poor Dick. Despite their adult looks, the Five were jolly scared and Anne was unable to stop her lower lip trembling.

'Chin up, old girl' said George, 'something's bound to happen. It always did in our old adventures.'

'But George,' cried Anne, in a tremulous voice, 'that was then and this is now. Those days were different and life as an adventuring schoolgirl was fun and full of picnics. These modern times are a lot more.........erm......modern.' she finished lamely.

'I know what you mean.' said Dick fiercely. 'These days, the heroes are four-eyed magicians and all the smugglers have been replaced by dragons. Bloody Quidditch! It makes me soooo mad!'

A dreamy look came into George's eyes. 'Oh, I don't know. I rather like that Bellatrix Lestrange; she's awfully butch in a witch-y sort of way.' Timmy looked at her and grinned. In his almost human-like way, he idly scraped the word "dyke" in the dust with his paw and then fell asleep.

Uncle Quentin, meanwhile, was preparing for his takeover of FiveWorld. He gathered his team around him for the final briefing.

'OK, listen up. Once I come back from Thailand and, assuming the operation is a success, we swing into action.' Oh, how he looked forward to that post-operative period when, like all the best Bond villains, he could, at last, stand before them stroking his very own pussy. 'All of the plans are in place for the new rides, the QuentiBurger stands are finished and I've done a deal with Channel 4 to shoot the next series of Big Brother in the Jade Goody House of Horrors. All we need do now....................'

He stopped as a familiar voice rang out;

'Oh Quentin, what have you done?'

He turned round only to see Aunt Fanny standing there!

'You mean my plans to take over FiveWorld? he gabbled, panicking.

Aunt Fanny looked at him sadly. 'I was thinking more of the times you said you were taking my old clothes to the charity shop.' her glance ran up and down his Laura Ashley dress. 'Mind you, they don't look too bad on you.'

'Thanks, old thing,' said Quentin, 'but I'm going to have to kill you. You've seen far too much.'

Things had reached an impasse. (particularly as the author had no idea of where the plot was headed. He wandered off for a refreshing glass of ginger beer and some Caramac and returned refreshed.)

As the Famous Five sat in the small, locked room, wondering what to do, Julian looked up suddenly.

'Do you remember when we were younger? All we had to occupy the time when there were no adventures was our collection of old-fashioned games like Snakes & Ladders, Snap!, Ludo and Lexicon. Now, thank goodness, at least we have modern technology to help pass the time.'

He pulled out his iTouch.

'Right! Who's for a game of Virtual Happy Families?'

'Hang on, old chap,' said Dick 'pass that over. If, by a million to one chance, there's an internet signal here then I can Google how to pick the lock and get us out of here!' I know we are deep underground and in the middle of a moor but, for some strange reason, I'm really rather optimistic.' His hunch proved true and soon he was busy searching the Web.

Anne jumped up and down excitedly. 'But surely, if there's a signal, we can just e-mail the local police sta...............' George turned on her fiercely. 'Oh, don't be so wet, Anne.' she said crossly. 'The last thing we want is to finish our adventure this early and you can bet your newest copy of Bunty that there will be some spurious reason which will prevent them coming here and saving us.'

Dick was true to his word and quickly managed to pick the lock using a convenient hairgrip left lying on the floor and slowly opened the door. Fortunately, the main cavern was deserted and the Five slowly crept out.

'I wonder what's happen to Mother? said George, anxiously. 'We could really do with here here now as I spy a kitchen over there and I'm starving.'

Even though Anne had now grown up, she loved pretending to be a child once more so she could act like a proper grown-up. She absolutely adored doing all the things a woman did best: cooking, cleaning, tidying and waxing.

'Ooh, I'll cook for us.' she said, and quickly got to work. Soon there was a delicious smell of roast chicken, vegetables and apple crumble filling the dank cave.

Timmy loved it when there was food around. Not only did he get all the scraps but he was a dab hand at a rosemary jus and he watched with pride as the children poured it over the succulent meal.

'Right' said Julian. 'Do we rescue Aunt Fanny first or scupper Uncle Quentin's plans?' Matters were decided when a shrill wail rent the air!

The children rushed towards the source of the sound and saw a terrible sight. Aunt Fanny was stretched out on a table with the gang busily forming a queue whilst Uncle Quentin was bent over a desk; a straw in his hand and some white powder on a mirror.

George couldn't help herself and cried out 'Father, that's smack!'

Her father turned round scornfully. 'Smack, my arse.'

'Oh, not again.' murmured Dick, resignedly. 'OK, where's the hairbrush?'

Uncle Quentin slowly stood up and looked at the children. 'It's not what you think. This is a new, harmless invention which, when inhaled, turns the world into a simple place where everything is wonderful and every day has a happy ending.

The Five looked at him. 'But ours is like that already.' said Anne, looking puzzled.

'I plan to mix this into all the food at FiveWorld so that people will always come back and spend even more cash.' said Uncle Quentin. 'I'll have more money than you've had hot dinners.'......... he thought a while about this last remark...........'well, perhaps not that much.'

'Look, Uncle, said Julian. 'what you have stumbled upon is a way of making money and making people happy so it proves you're not all bad. Why not forget about all this evil gubbins and join us on the Board of Directors? We'll make you Manageress in charge of Finance, offset your operation expenses as loss of tips and we'll all be happy again once more.'

Quentin looked over at his wife, walked slowly towards her and slowly released her bonds. The gang looked disappointed (as did she) but slowly dropped their weapons into a pile and exchanged them for laptops and brollies. They knew that their criminal days were over. Fanny looked at her husband and smiled.

'Could we live together once more as wife and wife?' she asked.

Quentin looked at her and grinned slowly. 'Well,' he said, 'it'll save a fortune on cosmetics and you can always teach me to cook.'

The Famous Five looked at each other. 'Seems like another adventure is over.' said Anne. ' Happy, George?'

George looked at her as she slowly fumbled in her pocket for a hidden pork pie. 'Well, Anne, it'll take a while to get used to someone wanting to be a different sex but I'm sure I'll get my head round it eventually.' It means I'll have nobody to play Rugger and other rough games with but if that's what it takes.....'

Timmy looked at Auntie Quentin. There seemed to be a big grin on his face as he anticipated yet another skirt up which to push his cold, wet, doggy nose.

Everybody trooped back out into the sunshine. 'Gosh,' said Dick. 'I wonder where our next adventure will be?' He hesitated momentarily as he climbed over a crashed Russian nuclear bomber. 'Still, let's hope it's not before we have a scrumptious supper; I'm absolutely starving!'

THE END


Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author