Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 2

Pausing only to pack their tents and cadge a lift from a passing yokel and his wagon, the Five ventured into the unknown.

Before long they were on a strange moorland plateau. It was lonely there: no birds were singing and only a number of scattered treasure maps littered the bleak landscape.

'Hey Anne, mind that gorse doesn't catch on your cardigan' said Julian.
Anne looked at him exasperatedly.
'Julian, just in case you haven't noticed, I am now a beautiful young woman with a Masters in Quantum Mechanics. My stereotypical role as the younger, dominated sibling has been overtaken by the realisation that I am your equal and I am empowered to do whatsoever I like with my cardigan.which is, in fact, Prada'

'Way to go, Anne' said George, extracting a roll-up from her dungarees, 'Show the chauvinist bastard.'

Anne grinned shamefacedly. 'Only joking Julian. Shall I go and collect some firewood?'

That evening, the Five sat around the campfire singing songs.

George looked at Timmy fondly. 'There's not many dogs that can handle atonic harmonies like you can'

Timmy's face looked almost humanly modest as he quietly strummed away on his guitar whilst the others launched into yet another round of "Ten Green Bottles". It was a beautiful evening, the stars shone brightly as yet another delicious cake was eaten and Dick slaughtered and barbecued lashings of unlucky passing sheep.

Suddenly, just as the boys were building a protective shelter for the girls, a weird light appeared in the sky. it was like a strange red and yellow glow which filled their vision.

'Gosh, it looks like another adventure is about to happen' said Anne.

'Bugger, I think I left my butane razor on. The tent's on fire!' cried George and rushed back to the campsite. The heat was in tents but eventually, the boys (after making sure that the girls were well protected) managed to put out the blaze.

'Gosh, it's lucky we drank so much pop earlier' said Julian, shaking off the remaining drops.
'Dick's looking a bit warm' said Anne.
Julian looked at her ruefully. 'That's true old thing, but it should be OK' and wandered away, walking rather awkwardly.

The next morning, the Five washed in a local stream and ate a delicious breakfast. As they sat there, they suddenly notice an old railway line disappearing into the distance.

'That's funny,' said George, 'I'm sure I saw a ghostly train last night as I went outside for a fix....erm, I mean call of nature. I never mentioned it as it seemed to happen so often when we were younger.'

'A lot of things happened when we were younger,' said Dick, wriggling uncomfortably as he thought about Uncle Quentin and his strange collection of latex gloves.

Right Ju,' said Anne firmly 'let's follow the tracks. I smell adventure'

They spent the day following the tracks. Timmy had a wonderful time chasing rabbits and gathering up the occasional cow whilst Dick played contentedly with the Heckler & Koch MP5 semi-automatic he had found, presumably dropped by some passing rascal.

They camped that evening by the side of a hillside, a little way away from a solitary farmhouse.

Dick went down to the farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. It was opened by an apple-cheeked lady with a friendly smile and a checked pinny.

'Well, fancy you dropping by. Just as I've realised I baked far too much bread and made far too many pies. Would you like some? Do come in, it's very lonely here on my own.'
'On your own?' said Dick
'Well, my husband keeps going away for periods of time along with some swarthy, foreign-accented men. In the meantime, I am here all alone' The lady sat down, exposing a shapely thigh and patted the seat next to her. 'Now, do you fancy something warm inside you? I know I do.'

Dick blushed. 'Erm, tell me about these people with your husband. Do you ever hear any loud bangs during the night?'

'Sadly, no' replied the woman wistfully. She suddenly sat up. 'Mind you, I do hear a ghostly whistling occasionally, as if from a train.

'Cripes,' exclaimed Dick, 'just wait until I tell the others. This could be the adventure at long last.'

Pausing only to take the wicker basket full of food, he ran back to the others and told them of the story.

Anne looked at Julian in desperation. 'Ju, wasn't that the scenario in "Five Go Adventuring Again"?
'No, Anne, old thing, it was actually "Five Go Off to Camp". Remember old Wooden-Leg Sam?'

Anne looked miserable, realising that once more she had fulfilled her role as the youngster of the group who always made the silly mistakes. Timmy, realising her depression, snuffled around the undergrowth and found her some Prozac. He dropped them at her feet and looked at her with his big, doggy eyes.

'Thanks Timmy. I guess I get so mixed up with all our different adventures. Perhaps we've run out of scenarios? Good boy.' She bent over and absent-mindedly patted his head, not realising that she was still holding the large knife with which she had been cutting the yummy farmhouse fruitcake.

Timmy fell to the ground, panting bravely as he tried to ignore the large cleft which had appeared in his almost humanlike skull.

'Anne, you idiot!' screamed George, 'What have you done? She dived into her rucksack and brought out the suture kit. She sewed furiously for a few minutes and then turned to the others; 'There, he's as good as new now. Thank heavens life is so simple in our world'

Julian examined the stitching. 'Sewn like a true girl' he said and then fell back as he tried to extract George's boot from his groin.

Dick jumped up. 'What on earth is the matter with us? Why are we falling out like this?'

'Oh piss off', snarled Anne as she broke a small jar of delicious fresh lemonade over his head. Julian threw her to the ground and shouted at them all.

'Hey, you lot, don't you realise that something is happening to us. We seem to be at each others throats all of a sudden. How can we find out what could be the problem?'

'It should be a piece of cake' said George and suddenly her eyes opened wide. 'Hey, that's it! What if that rosy-cheeked farmers wife was actually not all she seemed and had laced that delicious fruit cake with some weird chemical which has affected our behaviour?

'Of course', said Julian 'Quick, Timmy, find some herbal emetic for us all to eat.'

Faithful Timmy quickly found some wild campanulaceae or Puke weed and the others all managed to down some. Soon the ground was covered with semi-digested delicious fruitcake as the medicine took effect.

'Gosh' panted Anne, 'that was a close call. Now, perhaps we should all go and investigate that farmhouse a bit further..............

To be continued


Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author