Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 3

George couldn't sleep. She lay there cogitating as she idly stroked her furry companion whilst the others slumbered away: dreaming, no doubt, about jolly picnics, pirates and the profits from "FivePark", the new theme world recently built on Kirrin Island. It had been the brainchild of Dick and was now a multi-million pound business with such attractions as Dick's Passage, George's Male-strom, Timmy's Terror Tunnel, Julian's CakeWalk, Anne's Across the Water and various themed "Fanny" rides. Sadly, Uncle Quentin's Torture Chamber had been closed whilst the SOCO team were investigating but Kirrin Island still rang to the sound of many visitors, cheerfully combing the place for treasure, smugglers and mysterious goings-on whilst the cash tills rang merrily.

George was in a bit of a pickle. She realised that her "habit" was becoming too obvious and the others would soon realise what was happening. Her body burned as she fought the cravings but in the end, she could fight them no more as she crept out of the tent. As she fumbled through her rucksack she thought bitterly of how Fate had dealt her such a cruel blow.

It had started innocently enough with her dear Mother's fairy cakes and progressed through macaroons and battenberg until that awful day when she had been offered some Black Forest gateau in a Lyon's Corner House. She knew then that her cake addiction had gone too far and had done her best to combat it - even booking into the Mr Kipling Rehabilitation Centre (motto: Addiction Recovery - it's a piece of cake!).

She looked desperately at the icing syringe and her hand crept towards her emergency packet of Franzipan Fancies......................... Suddenly, a shadow fell across her!

'Ello, leetle girl, it is, 'ow you say, ze lovely night'

George looked up, startled. 'Gosh, a mysterious foreign chappie.' she said. 'Are you a swarthy villain?.........and I am NOT a girl!'

The man looked at her with narrowed eyes. 'I am Raymond Blanc and I am 'ere to give you, 'ow you say, ze best cake recipe in ze world!'

George lay back exhausted, realising that the hallucinations were back. Last week it had been Nigella Lawson covered in cake mixture and then there had been the awful time where she had imagined being pursued by marzipan TeleTubbies.

She returned to her tent and snuggled back down into her sleeping bag. 'I really must get a grip' she thought and, thus comforted, drifted off to sleep once more.

The next morning, the Five were up early. Dick built a small smokery, lassoed a passing pig and soon the smell of grilling bacon filled the air. 'What's that you're doing, Anne? asked George.

'It's my make-up, silly' replied Anne and George wrinkled up her stubby, freckled nose in disgust.

'You really ought to try it, old thing. A bit of lippy shoved in the dungarees is a girl's best friend.'

They were soon ready to go down to the farmhouse after forming a plan: The boys would keep the lady occupied whilst the girls and Timmy searched around.

The lady seemed pleased to see Julian and Dick but there was a certain evasiveness in her voice as they asked her subtle questions about treasure, secret caves and the strange collection of novelty stress relievers arrayed in her bedroom.

Meanwhile, the girls had sneaked into the barn after following a well-defined set of tyre tracks, only to find the place empty!

'Oh my gosh' squeaked Anne, 'it's deserted. That must surely mean that there is a false wall here and there is a network of tunnels honeycombing the surrounding hills.'

George looked at her younger cousin pityingly. 'Alternatively, it could mean that whatever made the tyre tracks is out somewhere.'

'Don't be silly, George, old thing. You know that is highly unlikely. Come on, let's start looking.'

They seemed to spend ages pressing the wall and searching for an opening but it was all to no avail. Their spirits were low as they decided to have a rest and George sat on the floor whilst Anne rested her arm on a convenient lever.

'Cripes, look!' she squealed as the lever slowly depressed. To their amazement 3 displays appeared on the wall: two melons and a cherry.

'Do it again, Anne.' yelled George and this time three bells appeared and a door slowly swung open.

Timmy shot through it and disappeared into the gloom whilst the girls raced after him.

'Oh wait for me please, George' gasped Anne. 'Don't forget that I am still the baby of the group and therefore at greatest risk of harm even though my coltish legs have developed into something a little more interesting.'

'Mmm, so they have.' said George appreciatively, seeing her cousin in a totally new light. Further thoughts were impossible as they heard a frantic barking up ahead, followed by an loud "clonk" and a whimper.

'Oh no, someone has probably just hit poor Timmy over the head with a large spanner and captured him.' cried Anne. 'What shall we do now as the boys, in their rightful place as the dominant sex, are the only ones capable of making a decision?'........................

The boys were having problems of their own as the farmer's wife had drugged their delicious home-made lemonade and they were trussed up tighter than a Bernard Matthews turkey after a bird flu inspection.

'Yes, my fine buckos,' said the farmer's wife as she threw off her disguise. 'You might have thought me a mere rosy-cheeked country woman with a knack for cooking really nice veal and ham pies but I am really someone you all know!'

'Urghh glurgh urghhhh' Julian wriggled frantically against his bonds as he tried to speak through the crude gag.

'Yes, that's right. It's me, Uncle Quentin!!!'

'Urghhhh'

'Indeed Julian, as you rightly say, everybody thought I was in custody but, as you both know, gigantic holes in the plot have never stopped a Famous Five adventure before and they're not going to this time either. I made my escape and am hiding here masterminding this whole operation.'

Dick joined in.'Urghhle murgggh'

'How on earth did you guess, Dick? Yes, I am indeed attempting to take over your multi-million Kirrin Island leisure undertaking as it should rightfully be mine. The somewhat mysterious job I had when you were children never paid well and I soon tired of sitting in my study for long periods being irascible when you lot all turned up during the holidays.

Your days are numbered. Soon I shall be more famous than Disney, richer than Bill Gates and able to finish my series of operations and live in luxury with my strangely-endowed Thai lady friends............................'

To be continued

Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author