Sky's the Limit!!!

It's Wednesday and it's 9.19pm. I am sitting here surrounded by technology, not least of which is a television.

We went looking for a new TV today. Something which I couldn't really get excited about even though we were looking at a grand's worth of HD, flat-screen Cinemascope, Dolby, digital technology: for which the bloody wall-mount costs more than most TVs. I think I've just realised why I couldn't get up much enthusiasm when, just now, I screamed and stormed out of the room. The reason? 20 million channels on satellite and not one decent programme to watch!!

Surely to God, at this time of an evening there ought to be something that appeals but oh no...... a complete mish-mash of repeats, programmes suitable for pubescent teenies or reality shows with as much appeal as a bucket of cold sick.

Now, television is not something that we actually sit and watch. It always tends to be a background noise with the added benefit of usually having some sort of interest. Because there was sweet F.A. on all the other channels I thought why not watch a movie? I trawled through the synopses of those that actually looked interesting (not many), made a selection and accordingly switched over. Total and utter crap! By now, of course, other movies had got into their stride and I just hate playing catch-up so it's back to the Sky Guide in the vain hope that I'd missed something earlier.

Remind me to write to that nice Mr Murdoch and remind him that my £850 per annum is not just for the privilege of being cut off by some retard in Mumbai or deepest Scotland every time I make the inevitable once a month phone call regarding yet another Sky cock-up. It would actually be nice to have the occasional watchable programme also. No doubt he also sits there of an evening desperately trying to choose between Minder and celebrity whippet racing before watching QVC and buying some totally naff product which, judging by the orgasmic screams of the (invariably) American demonstrator, will introduce domestic harmony on a scale never previously experienced.

The other night i became desperate and watched a movie called Snakes on a Plane. I guess I don't need to tell you the basis of the plot but the vision of a giant constrictor suddenly appearing and enveloping someone's head in its jaws made me really glad I invest in Sky movies. I sat there transfixed, imagining releasing a container full of snakes into Murdoch Towers until he promised faithfully to actually put on some decent programmes. The whole film stretched incredulity to the limit as I thought "How could anybody in their right mind watch this?". Then I realised..........that included me!

I was even reduced to watching Laurence Llewellyn-Bowen moving into a new home tonight. Why do we want to see this? The only satisfaction I got from it was the fact that he is lumbered with an awful family. His wife was desperately showing off in front of the cameras and making sexual innuendoes as subtle as a lead bar about the head, the young daughter was a monster from hell and made Violet Elizabeth Bott look like a top graduate from a charm school whilst Le Bowen himself, cuffs flying, did for country living what Napalm did for the Vietnamese horticulture industry.

Perhaps we are too spoiled these days? So many new programmes abound and I just don't watch them because the few outside of terrestrial TV I have seen are either American, too "hip" or just plain bollocks. Maybe I'm growing old? Is this the sort of thing my parents said when I raved about Python? My daughter loves The Mighty Boosh.........rubbish!

There was an article in The Independent yesterday listing the Top 10 comedy show DVDs. How many had I heard of? None..........not a single one. Am I missing some channels? Nope, they're all there; Sky Living, Sky Dying, Sky You Might as Well be Dead rather than Watch this Rubbish, the Welsh Channel, the Sumo Channel, hmmmm, no English Channel.

I suppose in a way I ought to be grateful as venting my wrath has occupied me for 38 minutes and I have therefore saved myself a commensurate amount of frustrated channel hopping. I can now occupy myself for another 20 minutes with the following;

If television is so bad then why in Heaven are we buying yet another TV set?

Hmmmmmmmmmm