Thoughts from the Depths

I was looking today at some writing I did about 8 years ago. It talked of my early years, and how it was well into my adult life before I realised just how much childhood had influenced adulthood. I was tempted to publish it but, although this might have a cathartic effect on me, others might take it as self-pity and I have therefore decided to resist the idea.

That childhood was quite instrumental in the depressive episodes from which I continue to suffer but perhaps it's time I re-visited the whole thing and took stock of life as it is today, rather than 8 years ago?

I've been very lucky insofar as I have done quite a few interesting things in life. I still regret the missed opportunities rather than enjoy the achievements but that's something I live with. I have formed coping mechanisms and am lucky that I have a loving family and friends that are firm and true. The question is, am I happier now?

On the good days, I can enjoy simple pleasures that, once upon a time, I might not even have noticed: the sun on the water, the freedom of choice that early retirement brought (albeit enforced), the chance to do whatever I wish and the luxury of Time. On the bad days, I long to hide away from Life and spend my time punishing myself for reasons both real and imaginary. I crucify myself for wasting yet another day of my time here and descend into a deep, dark pit.

Even in my more positive moods, I still pose the question: Is it right that I should spend my life giving in to what others want at the expense of myself, or am I worthy enough to be allowed the luxury of choice? My own lack of self-esteem won't allow me to be deserving enough to adopt the latter, yet the execution of the former serves merely to propagate the feelings of frustration and constraint.

It's all a Catch 22 situation really and one from which I can see no escape. Having said that, I still haven't answered the question I posed initially: "Am I happier now?" The short answer is Yes but the long answer involves far more. When I find out what it is, I'll tell you!

It occurs to me, I've always been pretty successful in my career but could never take pleasure from over-achieving. Instead of celebrating, perhaps a performance achievement of 120%, I would brood on actions I had omitted to do which might have improved that result to 125%.

I'm the same about a lot of things and I'm told not to be so hard on myself but I just don't know how to change. There is however one exception, I can read back over things I've written over the years and still totally accept them for what they are with no regret or desire to change. Considering that I never plan what I write and just allow it to happen with little, if any, amendment apart from grammar or punctuation, it doesn't make a lot of sense..........but then, the way I'm feeling at the moment, what does?

Manly Hall, a Canadian philosopher said "It is only a step from boredom to disillusionment, which leads naturally to self-pity, which in turn ends in chaos". I've always had a low boredom threshold, disillusionment (tempered with an optimism that surely, sometime, things will work out) and the self-pity is more than apparent at the moment. Gosh, something to be positive about: only chaos to achieve and I've got the set!

So why am I publishing this for people to read? I suppose predominantly because I am doing it for me and not for others. It's a therapy and maybe even a means of admitting to people that Bertie Bassett is a means of escape, a different personification of me which is, at times, real and others false. He's another coping mechanism whereby I can let my thoughts fly as far and as fast as this particular Superheroic alter ego. My head is full of complications: some from the past, some from the present and some which have maybe always been within that small embryo that became Me. Bertie has no such problems, he strolls through life and takes it by the balls. Perhaps I really should go out and buy some Speedos!