Judge Not, That You be Not Judged

It's been less than 3 years since I really caught the photographic bug. I did go to evening classes when I was in my mid 20s and learned such esoteric delights as printing and developing but sadly all I really remember was a naked young lady draped over a motorcycle. Let me hasten to add, this was a model and not one of the college students trying to pull. I've still got some of the prints (none, sadly, of the girl) and I will never forget that buzz as an image took shape in the developing fluid.

Of course, nowadays one can run off a few hundred shots very easily, ditch the majority and then work on the rest. No more waiting for a pack of prints to arrive and the hope that one, just one, might be worthwhile. If you have a half-decent shot then you can merely fire up Photoshop, clone the lamp-post that appears in the wrong place, change the colour of the sky, add a few layers to adjust tone and contrast and finally emerge with a satisfactory shot. The old adage that the camera never lies has been completely turned on its head!

 I actually used graphic programmes way before I took up photography as I used to design posters for various bands as well as posters for my weekly quiz nights. I have never had any creative talent so using a computer was a fine way of satisfying that side of me. I started 'borrowing' photos off of the net and then  manipulating them, in all sorts of ways which enabled me to both practice my skills and use my imagination with works like Hippogriff, Prawn Cocktail and The Glorious Twelfth. This all culminated in my attempt to create an image incorporating several facets of myself. Now it looks fairly crude technically but at the time I was pleased with it. As usual, just click the photo for a bigger image.

Schism

Anyway, let's move on to the purpose of this particular offering. During the course of the year, my photographic society (posh name) or, (for my readers) camera club holds several competitions where members submit their shots and these are constructively criticised by a visiting judge who then awards marks out of 20. The standard ranges from the ordinary to the wonderful but it's always a joy to see work by other members. I expect you'll think Mr SuperEgo would be in straight away for these here competitions but last night was the first one for which I had submitted an entry. I've been going there for 18 months now so, you may well ask, why wait so long? Well, this is where it gets complicated.........

In a nutshell, I can never be satisfied with anything I achieve. It was the same at work; if I achieved 115% of a target then I would really beat myself up for not achieving 120%. I was the most confident extrovert, the leader, the joker, the arrogantly successful manager whilst, underneath, I had no real confidence or self-esteem. I had built a shell which lasted me for many years. Each time there was a crack I was able to repair it until one fateful day, and for reasons I still don't know, it shattered - totally, completely and pretty  irrevocably. I never worked again after that. My doctors and consultants told me I had "burned out". Who knows what it's all about but I was retired on full pension and that was that.

In a nutshell, the reasons therefore that I had never submitted a photo were because a) I didn't think my photos were good enough and b) I would destroy myself if they didn't get a perfect 20. See what I mean? A total dichotomy which goes to prove all those months and months of therapy did bugger all and I'm still as screwed up as ever!

My friends at the Club had seen my photographs on Flickr and were badgering me to submit something so, in the end I took the plunge. First problem - which shot to submit? These were a few of the contenders;

I finally decided and emailed the jpeg to the Competition Secretary (this was a digital comp. as opposed to print). I was pleasantly surprised to find that the whole process wasn't as bad as I'd imagined and as the few days passed prior to Friday I found that I wasn't worried at all. This completely changed during the course of that Friday and by the time I drove over to the meeting I was tighter than a spring. Naturally, when I got there I was, outwardly, completely blasé about the whole thing. People asked if I had entered and I casually nodded and said things like 'Oh I don't expect much from my first one'. I knew I was cracking when Steve, the guy next to me, asked me what my image was like and I answered 'Well, casual but sophisticated, I guess.

The actual competition starts with a runthrough of all the entries, followed by the judge's thoughts on each individual shot and finally, another runthrough when the marks are awarded. None of the images have anything other than a title so there can be no favouritism and they are shown in a completely random order. I was really looking forward to seeing my photo on a big projected screen and wondered just where I was in the order. The images started rolling through .......... nothing. They continued ............. nothing. Mine was second to bloody last!! This meant that I had to sit through all the others and it was a good hour before mine was shown. 

Hot Stuff!

The judge said that it was a strong image. and that it had points of interest throughout. He complimented me on the technical ability shown in actually capturing the image and that it was "very pleasing". He did make one criticism that the spark in the top right corner distracted the eye and it should be toned down. Now, of course, I see what he means. Why oh why didn't I see that? Before the final marks were announced there was a break and people were asking each other whose photos were who's? Obviously, one tends to be complimentary about each others images so I didn't really take much notice of the nice things people were saying - all I wanted to do now was get it over!

We went back and the marking began. It's traditional that the best ones are held back and commented on further at the end before their mark is given. In other words, if it's held back, you're doing OK. These top ones tend to get 18, 19 or 20 and any that receive such a mark are formally applauded when the author's name is read out. Of the 40 or so entries, marks were ranging from 12 to 'Can we hold this one back please'. I had already decided that I would settle for a 17 - any more and I would be pleased, any less and it was off to the cliff top I go. As my shot came up again, he hesitated, for what seemed an eternity, and then awarded a 17. There were about 7 or 8 that scored higher so I guess I didn't do too bad. The best part was I had actually done it and, more importantly, I have accepted it. Maybe, at long last I've become sane(ish)!