Thoughts from Bassett Towers

The other day I was informed my humour was "observational". Whilst any compliment is gratefully accepted, my first reaction to that is surely all humour derives from situations and that, perhaps, real humour stems from taking a particular circumstance and exaggerating it until it becomes a caricature of itself.

Having got that off my chest, there has been precious little to amuse me lately. There seem few people who haven't succumbed to the various sickness and flu bugs around at the moment and it seems that 2008 is currently the Year of the Ailment. I personally put this down to a combination of global warming and lack of E numbers in today's food. Just think about those good old days where lard was politically correct, smoking made you look big and every second TV programme wasn't about healthy eating. Not only did I feel fitter but I felt younger too - proof positive!

Anyway, a few recent observations:

There has been anarchy in the Bassett household as Mrs B has taken a firm stand against Charmin loo roll. Personally, I find those little bears etched lovingly into the soft 2 ply fibres rather sweet but she has baulked at her nether regions being that close to them. We have reached an impasse and are presently debating the purchase of 'his 'n hers' loo roll holders or taking it to the European Court. Watch this space for the outcome of this thrilling tale.

My televisual enjoyment has been impaired by the new Big Brother: if they are the stars of tomorrow then God help us all. The so-called celebrities hosting the programme are predominantly second-rate nonentities and I would far rather see interesting people like The Pope, Charles Manson and Kim Jong-il controlling the House. I am also waiting in fear and dread, for tomorrow sees the demise of Vera Duckworth! OK, Jack still has his pigeons but Corrie just won't be the same and it's going to be a sad day. In my darker moments, I still mourn the passing of Minnie Caldwell so I'm a bit worried about how I'll cope.

I watched a TV ad about conserving energy today. Now, that seems to be a bit weird using electricity to ask us to save it so I turned my thoughts to alternatives. My solution is simple; take the monies spent on TV energy-saving adverts and channel these into saving an endangered species instead - let's say pandas. When there is a proliferation of pandas, you put (recycled) tee shirts on them, bearing a suitable "Save Energy" slogan and release them into all the major cities of the world. People will see them and react accordingly thus not only putting across the message but helping animal conservation on the way. Simple.

iPods are all very well but yesterday, as I sat outside a bijou café, watching The Simpsons as I waited for Mrs B to emerge from the nail salon. I was conscious of the waitress asking me "What's happened?" My first thought was that she was asking how I had managed to drink two thirds of a rather insipid cappucino without re-entering her emporium and wrecking their coffee machine accompanied by cries of "Call that coffee, you swindling bastards?" and my second thought was that she wanted me to give her a resumé of the particular Simpsons episode I was watching. As I followed her glance, I saw an old geyser lying in the road, surrounded by various people, police and assorted rubberneckers. My preoccupation with the optimistic but doomed exploits of Homer (another alter ego?) had led me to completely miss the drama which had unfolded not 10 yards away. Fortunately, the guy seemed OK but had I missed an attempted mugging? A hit and run? Perhaps even an overdose of Phyllosan? ............I'll never know.

We all know the old adage about bread always falling butter side down. Why can I not break an egg into a frying pan without the yolk exploding? I try breaking it into a ramekin first, I try prayer but I just can't do it. If I have to break eggs into a bowl prior to whisking, their yolk remains steadfastly intact even if I deliberately try to totally decimate it. Weird.

Finally, something I wrote the other day:

LOCKDOWN

Prisons of the Mind

Constraining thought and deed.

Poisoning ambition

And stultifying need.

Cell bars borne of circumstance

Barriers set in stone

I build those bleak hard walls

And sit within, alone

The sentence I impose

Is set without parole

Condemning self, a life-long stretch

Imprisonment of Soul

What makes me pass this sentence?

Desire or fate or more?

Perhaps I’m just too scared to leave?

What IS beyond that door?

We all create our prisons

Though some can find the key.

I walk a path ‘twixt

Open Plan and High Security.

One day, I’ll find my freedom

And soar into the sky.

A bird released, a soul at peace

One day……before I die.

I’ll cleave those walls asunder

Leave fear and doubt behind

The battle ceased as I’m released

From that prison of my mind

Copyright GH January 2008