Ah, Sweet Memories

As one grows from childhood to manhood some things get bigger whilst others reduce in size. Whilst certain growths gave me pleasure when this happened (the girl's school down the road springs to mind) other, less exciting, things shrunk e.g. adults, trains, lorries etc.

A strange start, you may think, but I was reminded of this the other day when I had a hankering for a Topic bar. When I was a callow youth and Topic represented the acme of chocolate-y ecstacy, a bar would last for ages yet, as I toddled into my local confectionery emporium to satisfy my craving, I was astonished by how small they have become. Is it a size thing visually or have the manufacturers craftily reduced the size? And another thing.....7 shillings for one measly chocolate bar ? I ask you!!

I've had a love affair with sweeties all my life and they are like milestones in the great journey of my existence. The joys of finding a KitKat made completely of chocolate, the disappointment of the failure of the Cadbury Aztec bar, the expectation of an unopened Jamboree Bag, the vicarious pleasure of probing a Creme Egg with one's tongue: ah, sweet joys. Spangles, Palm Toffee bars, sweet tobacco.....whatever happened to them?

I remember the joy of going into the local sweetshop armed with a bright 6d and watching the shopkeeper's face fall as I asked for aniseed balls. He used to sell them at 16 for a penny and, even though didn't really like them, it was worth it just to see him sighing as he counted out 96 into the white paper bag.

Just recently, I've found a wonderful web site called www.chocolatebuttons.co.uk that not only has oodles of wonderful sweets but at a reasonable price. I took the plunge and ordered a 3 kg bag of gobstoppers £11.50) which arrived 48 hours later. After counting them and sorting them into colours (Anal? Moi?), they fitted beautifully into a large biscuit tin which was accordingly dipped into at frequent intervals. Suffice to say, we're on the second consignment now and I've manfully resisted the temptation to buy such delights as Aniseed Twist, Rhubarb and Custard and Vimto Bonbons.

Now, before you all, in recognition of your love and admiration for yours truly, dash down to your local ParcelForce to send me vast amounts of sweets, can I just say one thing: NO liquorice allsorts! As you may have gathered from my alter ego, they were a great favourite of mine and I use the past tense wisely. When they were younger, the baby Bassetts always bought me liquorice allsorts for birthdays, Christmas, Father's Day,Easter, the anniversary of the Siege of Mafeking etc, etc. It got to the point where the inability to resist eating them and the bilious feeling after I had, bisected and, from that point, was born the hatred. I suppose it was a form of unintentional aversion therapy.

It's not even the same in the shops these days. No more serried ranks of sweet jars displaying their colourful contents: it's all Pick & Mix these days. Synthetic foam rubbish (and God alone knows whose mucky little hands have been groping in the bins!!). Talking of such things, young Master Bassett used to work in Brighton Woolies and he was there one day when the security guard had to eject a lady for..........wait for it...........weeing in the Pick & Mix! I kid you not.

Obviously, she was 2 bob short of a tenner but you have to admire her athleticism!

Remember Callard & Bowser Dessert Nougat? Each chunk wrapped in an undergarment of rice paper and then the opulence of a silver wrapping: all encased in a beautiful light blue box. Treats such as that were few and far between, being way beyond my pocket but the other time for sweetie heaven was Christmas. Not only the obligatory selection box but also there were sweets in the house! Mum was not the sort who would normally waste money on sweets: I always bought my own. At Christmas however, there was always a bowlful there and I was allowed to help myself as well as occasionally nick one from the adults-only boxes. Mum always had Weekend and Dad liked Newberry Fruits which were great because you could nibble off all the jelly and be left with a fruity liquid centre retained in a sugary case.

Oh how suave and sophisticated I felt as I ate the surreptitiously pocketed chocolate liquers and sat on my bed waiting for the (at that time, unknown) feeling of drunkenness. Oh how disappointed (and slightly sick) I felt when I realised I was doomed to disappointment.

And that's another thing! When did they stop putting a walnut inside a Walnut Whip? I was aghast when I discovered what, to me, is yet another example of what made Britain a third world nation. Even the survivors are different; Fruit Salads, pink shrimps, flying saucers, sherbert fountains......pah! A pale imitation of the real thing. And why is it that I always end up with the bloody creams in a half-empty chocolate box? I spit on you, orange cream (unless I'm desperate, of course).

Oh God, the Bassett is ranting but, before I stop, let me just say one more thing: Love Hearts. Whatever happened to such messages as 'Be Mine' and 'Cupid? Even they've changed to such romantic messages as 'Txt Me Plse' and 'FaceBook Me'. No doubt there are some that say such loving things as 'Buy me a can of cider and I'm up for it' or 'Probe my Privates'. Grrrrrrrrrr.

Oh sweeties, how do I love thee. let me count the ways. Better still, I'm off to make another order at that web site!

May the Great God Haribo go with you.