Wish Me Luck as You Wave Me Goodbye

OK, ladies, gentlemen, boys and girls: tonight's subject is ..........Death!

Before you you think "Here we go, he's getting maudlin again", let me explain. The Coroner's Office have taken a liking to Dad and won't be letting him out for a while yet so I can't do anything practical about funerals. I have no idea about what to do etc. so I Googled and was staggered by what I found.

I know funerals are pretty personal things and perhaps I'll try and put my thoughts on that in a minute but, for the moment, let me talk about funerals on offer. How do you fancy a vintage lorry funeral? No? Let me quote the accompanying blurb:

This package creates a truly unique style of funeral, but still maintains standards of the highest level. The Truck Hearse is a distinctive and a fitting tribute for anyone looking to add an individual touch to that final journey.

Alternatively, how about a "4 x 4" package?

The Zambesi Silver Land Rover Defender Hearse is a distinctive and a fitting tribute for anyone looking to add an individual touch to that final journey. The Land Rover Defender is the benchmark by which all other off-road vehicles are judged. A "faithful old friend" to many Vehicle Enthusiasts, Farmers, Country Folk, Equestrians etc.

Bizarre enough for you? Well, this is my real favourite: "The MotorCycle Funeral Package"

This package creates a ‘different type of funeral’, but still maintains very high standards. By sending them off in style, upon a motorcycle and sidecar, last memories are of a person young at heart, someone with serious attitude. You can relive many precious personal moments of the person who was a character in life, a rebel with a very clear cause, or the senior citizen who reminisced about their biking days.The rider, Revd. Paul Sinclair, who was a church minister for 13 years, can provide a tribute run prior to the service to a favourite bikers spot or café.

I'm sorry but I find this totally obscene and can't believe that anyone would want to spend thousands of pounds on such an undignified and tasteless send-off. I mean, if we're going to have customised funerals that epitomise our lives then Dad will be borne off on a Ford Anglia with accompanying Morecambe and Wise videos.

What exactly is the reason for a sumptuous funeral? Is it the attitude of "giving them a good send-off"? Is it possibly a way of demonstrating to the world that the deceased was a person of standing? Personally, I'd be really miffed to have an OTT funeral and a wake of gargantuan proportions seeing as I'd be missing out on it all! Is a funeral a celebration, a farewell or is it just a morbidly expected ritual that's taken out of the mourners hands by the undertaking fraternity who, naturally, try and subtly imply that one must honour the dearly departed by spending loads of dosh?

Before you all get angry and defensive, yes, I know that it's a "closure" and I accept that. I am also fully aware that many people (including me) believe (or hope) that there is an afterlife and that their loved one is at peace. It's the glorifying in the whole contrived ritual with which I take issue. You all stand there in the Church, mumbling the words to hymns that you don't know whilst vicars talk unctuously about someone they've never met (and are hardly likely to in this life!). Then it's off to complete the ritual of admiring the flowers whilst anxiously compiling a "league table" of who sent what and making sure yours aren't in the relegation zone. Finally, it's off to the tea and buns afterwards.

Now, that's a wonder to behold. Everybody seems to be in a mood of hysterical relief that the whole pantomime is over and can't wait to make the snidey comments about the gently curling egg and cress sandwiches and "oooh, these sausage rolls are a bit cheap". There is laughter and gaiety in the air until the close relatives of the departed are near whereupon a studied look of solemnity appears and appropriate words are uttered. Personally, I'm quite happy to have my wake now so I can have a bloody good time and enjoy it.OK, perhaps I'm sounding cynical at the moment but dammit, it's my blog and I'm feeling cynical (and perhaps a bit wicked).

The one thing I really want is to have some last good words or an epitaph befitting me. Sadly all the good ones like "See, I told you I was ill" and "Under this sod lies another" have been taken although I sometimes idly wonder about something suitable. Perhaps something like "I'd rather be here than in the Big Brother House" or even:

Here lies the body of Bertie
His earthly life is spent
I'd like to be there with him
But I'm not sure just which way he went

Anyway, I seem to have run out of steam so I'll stop now. I can't seem to get into writing at the moment but I'm trying (another good epitaph!)