What's Up Doc?

It all started a few months ago when I was admitted to hospital for an operation to sort out an abscess at the base of my spine. As expected, there was a follow-up appointment to which I duly went.

As this was the second time this had happened, I was naturally anxious to find out if there was something causing them: a possibility that my GP had hinted at. The young, bored Registrar asked a couple of questions, peered at the scar, triumphantly informed me that was where the operation had taken place then pondered the matter. He obviously had no clue whatever as to cause or effect so relied on the tried and tested medical maxim of passing the buck and suggested sending in a camera. Well, my first thought was where? ......... and then I realised! Why he wanted to do so was not made clear, especially as the abscess was approximately 6 inches above the "launchpad". My second thought was a sudden picture of my trusty Olympus OM10 with 70-150 zoom lens and suddenly I wanted to be elsewhere.

Anyway, I was duly dispatched home with explanatory leaflets to await my appointment which, it transpired, was this morning. I received a large package with what I can only described as a guinea pig cage water dispenser with an extra long nozzle. "You can shove that" I thought, which turned out to be a remarkably prescient comment, as I had to make sure my innards were all nice and clean. Having never had anything like that, I wasn't really looking forward to losing my rearward virginity but I gritted my teeth and performed the deed at 6.45 this morning. I won't dwell on it but let's just say that the pebbledash effect in the bathroom is quite fetching!

Once I got to the hospital, the nurse took over.

"Right, so you're here because your bowel habits have changed?"

"Nope"

"Ah, it's because you've lost weight"

"Nope, one more guess or I win today's star prize - a week in a private ward"

Once we both knew why I was there, I was plonked on a trolley wearing a rather tasteful gown and had a wonderful 15 minutes suddenly imagining all the things that they could find during the examination.

My time came and I went into the sigmoidoscopy suite where I realised I could actually watch it all in living colour. I was told that air would be blown in as the bowel had to be inflated in order for the camera to see everything and warned that this air would come out naturally over the course of time. Oh, deep joy, this was turning into a really terrific day all round really!

Glossing quickly over the initial moments, I was suddenly assailed with the most amazing picture of my insides. The clarity and size of the picture almost took my mind off the interesting sensations going on behind me. I gazed entranced as I thought back to the movie "Fantastic Voyage" whilst the good ship "Uranus" went travelling through my tubes. A nice nurse stroked my arm as I lay there, ensuring I was relaxed and explaining all the various places of interest. There were a couple of diverticula (little knobbly things) which are apparently quite normal but they decided to remove them. They were about an inch wide on the screen although, in reality, about the size of the ball of a ball-point pen. Suddenly, this pair of seemingly enormous cutters appeared and ......snip! No pain but when they appeared on screen it was quite a surprise and, for one moment, my mind pictured it as a giant, realtime version of PacMan!.

We had some fun trying to find the other one but eventually trapped the little devil and off he went to that great offcut heaven in the sky. Perhaps there are possibilities of a whole new gaming concept here? " Wander through your intestines trying to escape from the voracious jaws of GutMan!" The mind boggles as to where you'd plug in the joy pad!!! Finally, it was all finished and I was told I would go for a little rest and a cup of tea. I did try and explain that it was customary to have a cigarette after consensual sex and then quickly realised that they must have heard every pun conceivable regarding their daily task.

I told them that my embarrassment of the procedure would be overcome by my desire to blog it and even had to give them the blog address. If you read this Chris and Matt, I hope it was good for you!

Fortunately, all seems OK although I am no nearer solving the original problem. At least though, I know that I am clear of the Big C down there and it gave me something to write up....or possibly, right up!

Oh, and by the way, remember that air they had to pump in? Trying to type hovering 6 inches above my chair is not easy.