Thursday, December 22, 2016

Thoughts from the Wee, Small Hours

A new year beckons; I am single and my thoughts turn to relationships. Please don't think I'm looking for one but I'm wide-awake and I've been thinking about the relationships I have had in my life.

Two marriages, two long-term relationships and a couple of medium-term ones also (we'll keep quiet about the time I had in my early twenties though :D). There has been someone in my life since a very early age so being single now is a very new feeling still. I guess I am lucky to have been loved by a few although, with my first wife, her having an affair with my best friend didn't help its long-term potential. Strangely enough, a couple of the others ended up having affairs, so guess it doesn't say much about me as a stayer.

There's also been situations of right person, wrong time where, to give one example, I have put my perceived duty above my own feelings which still haunts me to this day. Perhaps, one day, I can put that right with the lady concerned but how many years of happiness have been lost and how much damage  has been caused by trying to "do the right thing" and abide by a commitment to a relationship which was moribund for several years.   

Loving and being loved is wonderful. Loving and being loved with a soul- burning intensity is a heady mix of excitement and roller-coaster ride. Love, though, comes at a price; whether it dies or, in many cases, becomes the loser if the relationship is sacrificed due to a husband/wife and family at home, there tends to be a reckoning.

In some ways now, I feel I don't want the responsibilty of a relationship because I'm basically shit at them. I don't want to hurt or be hurt either although I appreciate one has to take risks in life. Would I be let down again? Would I be replaced by another, younger model? It's a huge lottery really and I don't know if I want to even risk the chance. I'm certainly not ready for an intense relationship even if one appeared but, I have to admit, it's a lonely life now when one has been used to another presence.

That's the trouble with becoming older, one makes decisions based on past experiences rather than just going with what feels right. Experience and common sense is all very well but, at times, it prevents the heart from doing what it should. Been there, done that, not only got the teeshirt but the whole frigging wardrobe to match.

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