Future Perfect?

Frustrating, waiting, vacillating: future full of fears

A curtain of uncertainty, a smile that masks the tears?

Or is it just another gamble made, in this lifelong trip?

A chance to play the cards I’m dealt, bet one last precious chip.

For the first time in my life, I am free to do as I want with no sole responsibility towards anybody anymore and, you know what? It scares the crap out of me. I have always taken responsibility for others (probably because that way I can forget my own failings and needs) and to suddenly think that I can go where I want and do as I please is a mind-blowing realisation. Since I retired 16 years ago following the burn-out, I’ve often gone for the easy option as it’s a nice, simple coping strategy. Equally, I’ve often disliked myself for doing it and thought wistfully of the missed opportunities although I think I’ve always been lazy and unambitious. Adventures in life, job opportunities, situations always seemed to seek me out however and I can look back on some (more than) interesting memories.  I guess, really, that I’d like just a little chance of a few more adventures and I need to take a few small footsteps in that general direction. I know I have to get well first and stop this damn treatment which makes me look like a Michelin Man wearing a sumo suit but I need to start somewhere, even if it’s joining a few local organisations to try and resurrect the few tenuous social skills I once possessed. Fate and the great arthritis god denied Mrs B and I the chance to travel but the world is still there and, for the foreseeable future, so am I. I just need to be dragged into it!

To where would I like to travel? Oh, anywhere really. Obviously, these days, there are many dangerous places in the world full of mad, demonic leaders and trigger-happy citizens but I think the USA is the only one that really scares me :D