Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 4

As you may recall, the girls are stuck in a tunnel, Timmy has been struck unconscious and the boys have been trussed up by a rosy-cheeked farmer's wife who is, in fact, their disgraced Uncle Quentin. Uncle Quentin intends to take over FiveWorld, the money-making theme park, owned by the children and will stop at nothing in his bid for economic domination. None of them have eaten for several minutes.

Uncle Quentin slipped the gag from Dick's mouth in order to feed him a small rock cake and some ginger-ale. The boy's hearts were warmed to know he still retained some semblance of humanity (and it also made the following conversation far more easier).

'How do I know it's really you?' said Dick. 'These blindfolds make identification far too difficult. For all I know, you could be a sinister twist in the plot.'

He felt something placed in his hand.

'Do you remember this from your visits to my study at Kirrin Cottage?'

Of course I do,' replied Dick, running his hand around the familiar object. 'How could I ever forget the fun I had with that? It's the yoyo you won at the 1936 Naturist Choirboy Convention! So it's really you, Uncle Quentin. Why, oh why can't you just let us go?'

'Boys, I'm afraid that there will be no happy ending for you; you've had your last adventure! Now I'm off to go and find those pesky girls before they wreck my dastardly plans.'

Meanwhile, the girls were still in the tunnel.

'Oh, George,' said Anne 'it's so lucky I have my clockwork torch with me.' and cranked away merrily as they wandered down the tunnel frantically looking for an escape.

After a while, and having had no luck in finding an escape route, they sat down and disconsolately ate some delicious ham sandwiches and a small Victoria sponge whilst discussing their predicament.

'Anne, old thing, I know you're a girl and will be terribly worried so I'll try not to frighten you.'

'Frighten me, George? What on earth do you mean?

'Well, I'm afraid we seem to be lost and may well die a terrible and lonely death by starvation - our bodies lying here forgotten and cold forever.'

George heard the gentle trickle of liquid and realised that her bid to break the news gently had failed.

'Oh, George,' sobbed Anne, 'this means we'll never see the boys again and, for all we know, our lovely theme park will be taken over by a consortium led by somebody who won't care about anything other than making money....and I had such plans for another 7 home-made cake concessions.' Oh, if only we could miraculously find some way to escape?'

As she idly squeezed her torch, she noticed a sign on the wall opposite.

'Look!' she squeaked. 'There's a sign on the wall opposite.'

Sure enough, illuminated by the dim glow was a large sign which said "In the event of losing your way, there is an escape exit through this door >>>>"

They quickly headed through it and found themselves once more on the moor. Wasting no further time, they headed back to the farm. Imagine their surprise when they saw the boys lying on the bed. They were even more surprised to find several bottles of wonderful lemonade which they drank thirstily.

'Mmmm, that was super but I suppose we'd better untie the boys now.'

Julian explained about his Uncle's plans for their demise, his apparent loss of reasoning and how George's Father was soon to become her second mummy and proffered his sympathies to poor George. 'Oh, never mind about all that, there is far worse news' and explained about Timmy. As she remembered her bestest friend, a small tear came to her eye.

Dick noticed it and gently teased her; 'Girly, girly, George is a gir....ooomph!' He lay back clutching his scrumptious macaroons, realising that perhaps he had gone too far.

They quickly decided to head down the tunnel once more and find some way of rescuing their canine companion. Pausing only to pack a few pies, pasties and a simply enormous chocolate cake, they rushed off to the barn and were soon back in the tunnel.

As they stood there, they heard voices and headed rapidly in the direction of the sound. They reached a large excavated area and realised that they had reached the nerve centre of Uncle Quentin's operation.

George's face took on an expression of rather butch ferocity. 'This must be where Timmy is! Quick, check all the side rooms.'

In a flash, they looked in all the rooms but no sign of poor Timmy. As they stood in the last room, they gazed idly at the industrial mincer, assortment of cleavers and the Korean recipe book. Something was glinting under the table! Anne pounced on it and exclaimed 'Oh, look, it's Timmy's identity disc!

''You know what this means,' said Julian slowly.

Their eyes widened as the news slowly sunk in. 'You mean that they are going to close all the scrummy cake stalls and sell foreign food? At our theme park? gasped Anne. 'I'm afraid so.' said Julian glumly.

As they realised that their world had fallen apart, George gazed fondly at the identity disc. It was all she had left of her beloved Timmy and they were still no further forward in locating his whereabouts.

'I say,' she said, 'I think there's a clue on this disc.' and read the words written thereon, as if for the first time:

"Timmy the Dog. If you find this, please check the cupboard just to the right of the Tupperware display."

On a hunch, Dick pulled open a cupboard, just to the right of the Tupperware display and, sure enough, Timmy looked up at them, his tail wagging feebly at seeing his friends once more.

Oh Timmy, you're safe.' cried George. 'No, please don't lick my face.'

'Sorry,' said Dick, 'but there was a couple of crumbs there and I'm absolutely starving!'

At last, the Famous Five were together once more.

'Right,' said Julian fiercely, 'now let's go and kick bottom!'

The Five headed out into the main room once more and stopped dead in their tracks! There, spread out in a line, were a dozen, desperate-looking men armed with an assortment of semi-automatic weapons, grenade launchers, Patriot missiles and a cake slice. In their centre stood Uncle Quentin, a sardonic smile upon his face.

'Oh....................bollocks!!!' said Anne.

To be continued.

Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author

Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 3

George couldn't sleep. She lay there cogitating as she idly stroked her furry companion whilst the others slumbered away: dreaming, no doubt, about jolly picnics, pirates and the profits from "FivePark", the new theme world recently built on Kirrin Island. It had been the brainchild of Dick and was now a multi-million pound business with such attractions as Dick's Passage, George's Male-strom, Timmy's Terror Tunnel, Julian's CakeWalk, Anne's Across the Water and various themed "Fanny" rides. Sadly, Uncle Quentin's Torture Chamber had been closed whilst the SOCO team were investigating but Kirrin Island still rang to the sound of many visitors, cheerfully combing the place for treasure, smugglers and mysterious goings-on whilst the cash tills rang merrily.

George was in a bit of a pickle. She realised that her "habit" was becoming too obvious and the others would soon realise what was happening. Her body burned as she fought the cravings but in the end, she could fight them no more as she crept out of the tent. As she fumbled through her rucksack she thought bitterly of how Fate had dealt her such a cruel blow.

It had started innocently enough with her dear Mother's fairy cakes and progressed through macaroons and battenberg until that awful day when she had been offered some Black Forest gateau in a Lyon's Corner House. She knew then that her cake addiction had gone too far and had done her best to combat it - even booking into the Mr Kipling Rehabilitation Centre (motto: Addiction Recovery - it's a piece of cake!).

She looked desperately at the icing syringe and her hand crept towards her emergency packet of Franzipan Fancies......................... Suddenly, a shadow fell across her!

'Ello, leetle girl, it is, 'ow you say, ze lovely night'

George looked up, startled. 'Gosh, a mysterious foreign chappie.' she said. 'Are you a swarthy villain?.........and I am NOT a girl!'

The man looked at her with narrowed eyes. 'I am Raymond Blanc and I am 'ere to give you, 'ow you say, ze best cake recipe in ze world!'

George lay back exhausted, realising that the hallucinations were back. Last week it had been Nigella Lawson covered in cake mixture and then there had been the awful time where she had imagined being pursued by marzipan TeleTubbies.

She returned to her tent and snuggled back down into her sleeping bag. 'I really must get a grip' she thought and, thus comforted, drifted off to sleep once more.

The next morning, the Five were up early. Dick built a small smokery, lassoed a passing pig and soon the smell of grilling bacon filled the air. 'What's that you're doing, Anne? asked George.

'It's my make-up, silly' replied Anne and George wrinkled up her stubby, freckled nose in disgust.

'You really ought to try it, old thing. A bit of lippy shoved in the dungarees is a girl's best friend.'

They were soon ready to go down to the farmhouse after forming a plan: The boys would keep the lady occupied whilst the girls and Timmy searched around.

The lady seemed pleased to see Julian and Dick but there was a certain evasiveness in her voice as they asked her subtle questions about treasure, secret caves and the strange collection of novelty stress relievers arrayed in her bedroom.

Meanwhile, the girls had sneaked into the barn after following a well-defined set of tyre tracks, only to find the place empty!

'Oh my gosh' squeaked Anne, 'it's deserted. That must surely mean that there is a false wall here and there is a network of tunnels honeycombing the surrounding hills.'

George looked at her younger cousin pityingly. 'Alternatively, it could mean that whatever made the tyre tracks is out somewhere.'

'Don't be silly, George, old thing. You know that is highly unlikely. Come on, let's start looking.'

They seemed to spend ages pressing the wall and searching for an opening but it was all to no avail. Their spirits were low as they decided to have a rest and George sat on the floor whilst Anne rested her arm on a convenient lever.

'Cripes, look!' she squealed as the lever slowly depressed. To their amazement 3 displays appeared on the wall: two melons and a cherry.

'Do it again, Anne.' yelled George and this time three bells appeared and a door slowly swung open.

Timmy shot through it and disappeared into the gloom whilst the girls raced after him.

'Oh wait for me please, George' gasped Anne. 'Don't forget that I am still the baby of the group and therefore at greatest risk of harm even though my coltish legs have developed into something a little more interesting.'

'Mmm, so they have.' said George appreciatively, seeing her cousin in a totally new light. Further thoughts were impossible as they heard a frantic barking up ahead, followed by an loud "clonk" and a whimper.

'Oh no, someone has probably just hit poor Timmy over the head with a large spanner and captured him.' cried Anne. 'What shall we do now as the boys, in their rightful place as the dominant sex, are the only ones capable of making a decision?'........................

The boys were having problems of their own as the farmer's wife had drugged their delicious home-made lemonade and they were trussed up tighter than a Bernard Matthews turkey after a bird flu inspection.

'Yes, my fine buckos,' said the farmer's wife as she threw off her disguise. 'You might have thought me a mere rosy-cheeked country woman with a knack for cooking really nice veal and ham pies but I am really someone you all know!'

'Urghh glurgh urghhhh' Julian wriggled frantically against his bonds as he tried to speak through the crude gag.

'Yes, that's right. It's me, Uncle Quentin!!!'

'Urghhhh'

'Indeed Julian, as you rightly say, everybody thought I was in custody but, as you both know, gigantic holes in the plot have never stopped a Famous Five adventure before and they're not going to this time either. I made my escape and am hiding here masterminding this whole operation.'

Dick joined in.'Urghhle murgggh'

'How on earth did you guess, Dick? Yes, I am indeed attempting to take over your multi-million Kirrin Island leisure undertaking as it should rightfully be mine. The somewhat mysterious job I had when you were children never paid well and I soon tired of sitting in my study for long periods being irascible when you lot all turned up during the holidays.

Your days are numbered. Soon I shall be more famous than Disney, richer than Bill Gates and able to finish my series of operations and live in luxury with my strangely-endowed Thai lady friends............................'

To be continued

Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author

Five Do It All Over The Place - Part 2

Pausing only to pack their tents and cadge a lift from a passing yokel and his wagon, the Five ventured into the unknown.

Before long they were on a strange moorland plateau. It was lonely there: no birds were singing and only a number of scattered treasure maps littered the bleak landscape.

'Hey Anne, mind that gorse doesn't catch on your cardigan' said Julian.
Anne looked at him exasperatedly.
'Julian, just in case you haven't noticed, I am now a beautiful young woman with a Masters in Quantum Mechanics. My stereotypical role as the younger, dominated sibling has been overtaken by the realisation that I am your equal and I am empowered to do whatsoever I like with my cardigan.which is, in fact, Prada'

'Way to go, Anne' said George, extracting a roll-up from her dungarees, 'Show the chauvinist bastard.'

Anne grinned shamefacedly. 'Only joking Julian. Shall I go and collect some firewood?'

That evening, the Five sat around the campfire singing songs.

George looked at Timmy fondly. 'There's not many dogs that can handle atonic harmonies like you can'

Timmy's face looked almost humanly modest as he quietly strummed away on his guitar whilst the others launched into yet another round of "Ten Green Bottles". It was a beautiful evening, the stars shone brightly as yet another delicious cake was eaten and Dick slaughtered and barbecued lashings of unlucky passing sheep.

Suddenly, just as the boys were building a protective shelter for the girls, a weird light appeared in the sky. it was like a strange red and yellow glow which filled their vision.

'Gosh, it looks like another adventure is about to happen' said Anne.

'Bugger, I think I left my butane razor on. The tent's on fire!' cried George and rushed back to the campsite. The heat was in tents but eventually, the boys (after making sure that the girls were well protected) managed to put out the blaze.

'Gosh, it's lucky we drank so much pop earlier' said Julian, shaking off the remaining drops.
'Dick's looking a bit warm' said Anne.
Julian looked at her ruefully. 'That's true old thing, but it should be OK' and wandered away, walking rather awkwardly.

The next morning, the Five washed in a local stream and ate a delicious breakfast. As they sat there, they suddenly notice an old railway line disappearing into the distance.

'That's funny,' said George, 'I'm sure I saw a ghostly train last night as I went outside for a fix....erm, I mean call of nature. I never mentioned it as it seemed to happen so often when we were younger.'

'A lot of things happened when we were younger,' said Dick, wriggling uncomfortably as he thought about Uncle Quentin and his strange collection of latex gloves.

Right Ju,' said Anne firmly 'let's follow the tracks. I smell adventure'

They spent the day following the tracks. Timmy had a wonderful time chasing rabbits and gathering up the occasional cow whilst Dick played contentedly with the Heckler & Koch MP5 semi-automatic he had found, presumably dropped by some passing rascal.

They camped that evening by the side of a hillside, a little way away from a solitary farmhouse.

Dick went down to the farm and knocked on the farmhouse door. It was opened by an apple-cheeked lady with a friendly smile and a checked pinny.

'Well, fancy you dropping by. Just as I've realised I baked far too much bread and made far too many pies. Would you like some? Do come in, it's very lonely here on my own.'
'On your own?' said Dick
'Well, my husband keeps going away for periods of time along with some swarthy, foreign-accented men. In the meantime, I am here all alone' The lady sat down, exposing a shapely thigh and patted the seat next to her. 'Now, do you fancy something warm inside you? I know I do.'

Dick blushed. 'Erm, tell me about these people with your husband. Do you ever hear any loud bangs during the night?'

'Sadly, no' replied the woman wistfully. She suddenly sat up. 'Mind you, I do hear a ghostly whistling occasionally, as if from a train.

'Cripes,' exclaimed Dick, 'just wait until I tell the others. This could be the adventure at long last.'

Pausing only to take the wicker basket full of food, he ran back to the others and told them of the story.

Anne looked at Julian in desperation. 'Ju, wasn't that the scenario in "Five Go Adventuring Again"?
'No, Anne, old thing, it was actually "Five Go Off to Camp". Remember old Wooden-Leg Sam?'

Anne looked miserable, realising that once more she had fulfilled her role as the youngster of the group who always made the silly mistakes. Timmy, realising her depression, snuffled around the undergrowth and found her some Prozac. He dropped them at her feet and looked at her with his big, doggy eyes.

'Thanks Timmy. I guess I get so mixed up with all our different adventures. Perhaps we've run out of scenarios? Good boy.' She bent over and absent-mindedly patted his head, not realising that she was still holding the large knife with which she had been cutting the yummy farmhouse fruitcake.

Timmy fell to the ground, panting bravely as he tried to ignore the large cleft which had appeared in his almost humanlike skull.

'Anne, you idiot!' screamed George, 'What have you done? She dived into her rucksack and brought out the suture kit. She sewed furiously for a few minutes and then turned to the others; 'There, he's as good as new now. Thank heavens life is so simple in our world'

Julian examined the stitching. 'Sewn like a true girl' he said and then fell back as he tried to extract George's boot from his groin.

Dick jumped up. 'What on earth is the matter with us? Why are we falling out like this?'

'Oh piss off', snarled Anne as she broke a small jar of delicious fresh lemonade over his head. Julian threw her to the ground and shouted at them all.

'Hey, you lot, don't you realise that something is happening to us. We seem to be at each others throats all of a sudden. How can we find out what could be the problem?'

'It should be a piece of cake' said George and suddenly her eyes opened wide. 'Hey, that's it! What if that rosy-cheeked farmers wife was actually not all she seemed and had laced that delicious fruit cake with some weird chemical which has affected our behaviour?

'Of course', said Julian 'Quick, Timmy, find some herbal emetic for us all to eat.'

Faithful Timmy quickly found some wild campanulaceae or Puke weed and the others all managed to down some. Soon the ground was covered with semi-digested delicious fruitcake as the medicine took effect.

'Gosh' panted Anne, 'that was a close call. Now, perhaps we should all go and investigate that farmhouse a bit further..............

To be continued


Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author

A Tribute to The Famous Five

One of the (allowable) pleasures of childhood was reading the Adventures of the Famous Five. Recently I have been re-reading them and they are still as wonderful as ever so, in tribute to Julian, Dick, Anne, George and Timmy, I have decided to write my very own, updated version. I hope you enjoy it.

Five Do It All Over the Place

The Famous Five had seen each other rarely in the last several years. They still thought of the ripping adventures that they had as children but, alas, life had moved on and they had all grown up.

Julian and Anne, his younger sister, were sitting in his apartment in Docklands and he was explaining to her about his life as a corporate accountant.
'I say Anne, would you like some cocoa before we sit down and reminisce about the crazy coincidences that regularly happened in our childhood?'
Anne tucked her long legs underneath her as she settled on the couch.
'Oh, yes please Julian, that'd be smashing. Would you like an egg sandwich?'
As usual, their mother had packed enough food for Anne's visit to feed a small army and soon the table was strewn with lovely home-made veal & ham pie, some cold cuts and lemon barley drink.
They sat there eating and reliving the many criminals they had caught, the treasures found and the jolly jaunts on their very own Kirrin Island.

Suddenly there was the sound of a doorbell ringing.
'I'll go' said Anne and rushed to the door.
As it swung open, she saw a young woman with cropped hair, combat trousers and several piercings.
'I'm looking for Dick' said the woman aggressively.
'Crikey, old thing, I never thought I would ever hear you say that!' Hello George.'
'Anne, is it really you?' said George (for it was indeed her) 'How absolutely topping to see you.'
She hugged her cousin and Anne felt a strange sensation as George's studded tongue pressed hard against her cheek.
Anne called out. 'Julian, guess who's here?' but was soon knocked out of the way as Julian bounded over towards them.
'George, you dear old dyke, how lovely to see you again. Where's Timmy?'

Now George's real name was Georgina but she hated being a girl and was fiercely resentful of anyone who treated her other than an equal of the boys. She spent her days running a women's collective and was accompanied everywhere by her dog, Timmy. Timmy loved Georgina and had saved her and her cousins many times over the years. Where on earth could he be?

'Oh there's no need to worry about Timmy. He's with some geneticists for the morning.'

Julian and Anne looked puzzled. 'We're a bit puzzled, George old chap. Why geneticists?'

George looked at them with exasperation. 'It's obvious! Now, we are together there's bound to be an adventure and, as usual, Timmy will help save the day. Seeing as it's been a few years now, he should be really decrepit but that would spoil a jolly good story so he hasn't actually aged. The geneticists want to find out why?'

Her cousins look at her as realisation dawned. 'Of course', they said in unison. 'Now come and have something to eat.'

They sat there eating until they were so full they could hardly eat the cake baked by George's mother which she pulled from her rucksack.

'How is dear Aunt Fanny?' asked Julian

George looked sombre. 'Do you remember how father was such an irascible man and you were all quite scared of him?' she asked. Their faces were sufficient answer to that question. 'Well, it turns out he used to abuse her in the secret tunnel so she's now living at the Refuge with me.'

'Oh, George, how absolutely ghastly for you,' said Anne 'I always thought Uncle Quentin was quite nice underneath.' They all sat quietly for a while until Anne's pink Razr mobile trilled loudly.

'Get that for me George, can you?'

'Heck, Anne' said George with a snarl 'If you think I am touching a pink phone, you can think again.' In the end though, she relented and her face lit up as she realised who was calling. 'Dick! Where are you? ....What? You're on your way here?.............Oh, how absolutely spiffing, all we need is Timmy and we are all together again.'

Julian was busy with his palmtop calculating the probability factors of yet another adventure when the door burst open and in walked Dick. His lean, rangy good looks and careless smile fitted in perfectly with his reputation as the joker of the group. He had done well for himself in adult life and now controlled an empire of chat lines and websites specialising in totally improbable scenarios involving swarthy foreigners, strange noises in the night and, the most popular, large breasted Russian women dressed in a variety of uniforms.

'I say,' he laughed 'let's all have another picnic and then go get Timmy. Once more we'll be the Famous Five.' The others laughed gaily as they opened yet another wicker basket full of scrummy food and some wonderful ginger beer.

George excused herself and went to the bathroom. When she returned, Anne looked at her suspiciously; 'George, old thing, what are those strange track marks on your arm?'

George looked startled. 'That's..erm...ringworm. I must have picked it up when I went down to Kirrin Cottage to pack some things for Mother and put all Father's rubberware on eBay.'

Dick looked at her suspiciously but said no more as they went off to collect Timmy.

Timmy was so excited to see them. 'Hello, old chap, you're obviously pleased to see us' said Julian, unsuccessfully trying to wipe the stain off his left leg. Timmy had an almost human grin on his face as he capered around his favourite people. He just knew that there were some adventures in the offing.

Time was getting on so they pulled out the tents which they just happened to have.

'Let's camp here.' said Anne. There's some lovely grass and there's bound to be a farmhouse nearby.

After some frantic activity, they were soon all sitting snugly together, thinking about tea when they heard a noise!

'Shhh,' said Dick, 'What can that be?

A dark shadow fell across the tent flap. It seemed enormous, distorted as it was by the flickering lamplight.

Suddenly a voice rang out as a helmeted head appeared through the opening. 'You do realise it's a criminal offence camping on the Stanmore roundabout. Now, bugger off!

'Well, I like that' said Julian. 'Come on chaps, let's go and find an adventure.....................

To be continued


Copyright: BertieBassett Enterprises Inc. 2008 This article cannot be reproduced in full or part without written permission of the author